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Taking Pause: Holding Vigil for our Collective Grief

By Camden Webb
March 5, 2024

Categories: Memorialization & Commemoration, Trauma, Bereavement & Grief

As I opened Facebook and learned of the news of Nex Benedict’s tragic death, I was transported back in time to my own years in high school. The year was 1998, and I was living on a small military post in Kentucky.  I was an out queer kid living within a state and system that let me know at every turn that being who I was was not okay. Once, a notebook was stolen from my backpack during class.  It mysteriously reappeared on my desk a few days later with a note scrawled inside: 

“Meet me in the bathroom after school on Friday.  Signed, Your Crush.”  

I instinctively knew the note was bait for what would have been a similar situation to what Nex Benedict walked into. 

The question I keep coming back to is:

“How?  How in 2024 are children still being subjected to bullying – and death – for simply embracing who they are?” 

In reading about the transphobic backlash to Nex’s death, I have felt immobilized.  My sleep has been shallow and interrupted. Food tastes dull and eating is a chore.  My chest aches for the loss of a vibrant and promising young life, gone entirely too soon, under such horrific and unjust circumstances. The call to action is to live a life of truth even louder, to be an even stronger trumpeting voice amidst the noise of hate and ignorance.  And yet, I find it hard to muster this fight when my energy feels so depleted.

A colleague posed, “How is holding space for Nex Benedict’s life and death necessary for my healing as an educator?”

Therein lies the answer. I’m knee-deep in grief; many of us are right now.  LGBTQ+ individuals are grieving.  Our allies are grieving too. Author Megan Devine aptly titled her book that speaks to the grieving process: It’s OK that you’re not OK.  We are collectively not OK. Legislation targeting LGBTQ rights is occurring at unprecedented rates. Anti-LGBTQ rhetoric is given voice on the campaign trail and on every social media platform. LGBTQ youth continue to be at increased risk of attempting suicide, and ultimately, dying by suicide. All of this takes a toll on even the strongest advocates and allies.

We must give ourselves the space to lean into the grief. We must hold vigil for the loss of Nex. So often, we don’t give ourselves the experience of genuinely grieving. We pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and embrace for the next moment that warrants our strength and resolve. This time though, I implore you to look within and ask yourself what you need to process Nex’s death. Take your time, let yourself breathe slowly – in and out, in and out – and listen for the answer of what your body, your soul, your mind, and your spirit needs right now.  

  • Do you need a solitary sick day, huddled in bed with safe and warm pets, letting your emotions ebb and flow? 
  • Do you need movement in nature, surrounded by a community of friends who can hold you physically and emotionally?
  • Do you need prayer, or yoga, or meditation?
  • Do you need an outlet to express your sorrow, your rage, your fear – maybe through art, or sport, or song, or dance?

Feel the grief.  Let it humble you, so that it may teach you.  As grief moves from a malformed puddle of pain and hurt, see what shape it takes.  Give it the time and space to transform into what is next. This may occur quickly, or it may warrant the passage of time. Don’t rush it, force it, avoid it, or overthink it. Our being, given the freedom to do so, knows instinctively how to grieve. 

Nex Benedict was born in El Paso, Texas on January 11, 2008. They were a straight-A student who enjoyed playing the video games Ark and Minecraft. They had a cat named Zeus that they adored.  Friends shared that Nex was a talented artist who could create a masterpiece within 30 minutes.  At a vigil, those who knew them best described them as adventurous and “a fiery kid.” Nex was a brave individual, who embraced who they were and lived their truth, even in the face of Oklahoma passing legislation that sought to snuff out that truth. 

I ask myself what Nex would hope to see happen in the aftermath of their loss. One of their friends, Ally, shared “They were always someone who was never afraid to be who they are.” Based on the courageous way that Nex lived their life, I imagine they would understand the merit of taking time to process and feel our grief. And then, when we are in a more restored and resourced state, they would task us with carrying on the spirit in which they lived their short life: Boldly, bravely, fiercely. Without apology. Commanding that all young people be seen, embraced, and celebrated for who they are.

Amidst the pandemic, a young trans person in my life attempted suicide, because they feared a life of unacceptance. This was a catalyst for me finally coming out as a trans man and transitioning into my whole, authentic self. In most settings, I now pass as a cis man and am afforded the privilege of not having to out myself as LGBTQ. But for Nex, and all the other trans and non-binary identified youth, I will continue to share my story and my identity. The need to be out and proud feels more urgent than ever before. I will seek out opportunities to serve as a role model for queer youth. I will create affinity space for my fellow queer colleagues to hold one another up in this work. I will encourage and support our allies to stand and act on behalf of LBGTQ+ youth. I will call on educators to respect pronouns, to create safe spaces, and to find ways to help families support their children with affirming behaviors.

Perhaps most importantly, I will reach across the aisle and attempt to create opportunities to dialogue with those who don’t know and who don’t understand. I will approach them from a place of humanity and seek to find a shared common ground. As I have sought to do since coming out as queer at age 17 in that small Kentucky town, I will seek to move us away from a place of “us versus them.”

Like Nex, we should not sacrifice who we are, and we shall lead with love and kindness as we embody precisely who we were put on this earth to be.

About the Author

Camden Webb currently serves as the Clinical Services Director for the Solano County Office of Education. Within this role, he supports numerous mental health and wellness initiatives that focus on school communities in Solano. Additionally, he has a private practice where he specializes in providing therapy to LGBTQ-identified youth. Camden has years of experience in providing trauma-informed, attachment focused, culturally responsive counseling to individuals from diverse backgrounds. His passion is providing leadership to clinical teams who conduct intensive mental health work in high-need communities. Recognizing the reality of vicarious trauma and burnout, he leads with compassion, understanding, and a growth mindset that encourages personal and professional development of staff within the mental health field. He is a 2023-2024 SCRR Leadership Fellow.

Resources about Nex Benedict‘s Life & Death

Resources to Support You Supporting Your Students 

From the Pacific Southwest Mental Health Technology Center 

Tools to Support Schools in Planning for the Safety & Equity of Gender Diverse Students

Archived sessions related to LGBTQIA+ belonging and bullying

Resources curated by the National Center for School Mental Health